Why You Can't Relax (Even When You Try)

Introduction

You finally have an evening to yourself. No obligations. No deadlines. Nothing you have to do.

So why are you pacing the kitchen, reorganising the pantry, and mentally running through tomorrow's to-do list?

Or maybe you made it to the couch. You're technically "relaxing." But inside, there's a low hum of anxiety. A restlessness you can't name. A feeling that you should be doing something — even though the whole point was to do nothing.

If relaxation feels like a foreign language your body doesn't speak, you're not alone. And you're not doing it wrong.

The inability to relax isn't a discipline problem. It's a nervous system issue.

Your body has been running in survival mode for so long that it's forgotten how to shift into rest. The "off" switch is stuck. And no amount of bubble baths or "self-care Sundays" will fix that — until you understand what's actually happening beneath the surface.

Why Relaxation Feels So Hard

Let's be clear: relaxation isn't just the absence of activity. It's an active state — a physiological shift that requires your nervous system to move from sympathetic activation (fight or flight) into parasympathetic dominance (rest and digest).¹

For many people — especially women who've been running on stress for years — this shift doesn't happen easily. The system is stuck in "on" mode, and flipping the switch requires more than just sitting down.

Here's why relaxation might feel impossible for you:

1. Your Nervous System Is Stuck in Survival Mode

Your autonomic nervous system has two main branches: sympathetic (accelerator) and parasympathetic (brake).² In a healthy, regulated system, these work together — you rev up when needed, then return to baseline.

But when you've been stressed for a long time — whether from work pressure, trauma, caregiving, or just the relentless pace of modern life — your sympathetic system can get stuck in the "on" position.

This isn't a choice. It's a physiological state. Your body is producing stress hormones (cortisol, adrenaline) even when there's no immediate threat. The accelerator is pressed to the floor, and your foot won't lift off.

In this state, trying to relax feels like trying to sleep during a fire alarm. Your body doesn't believe it's safe enough to rest.

2. Rest Feels Dangerous

This sounds counterintuitive, but for many people, stillness triggers anxiety.

If you grew up in an unpredictable environment, rest might have meant vulnerability. If you were only valued for what you produced, rest might have meant worthlessness. If staying alert kept you safe, letting your guard down might feel genuinely threatening.³

Your nervous system learned that rest = danger. So every time you try to relax, alarm bells go off. Not because anything bad is actually happening — but because your body is running old programming.

3. You've Lost the Ability to Shift States

Nervous system flexibility — the ability to move smoothly between activation and rest — is a skill. And like any skill, it can atrophy if you don't use it.⁴

If you've spent years in chronic stress, your system may have literally forgotten how to downshift. The neural pathways for relaxation have gotten rusty while the pathways for vigilance have been well-worn.

This isn't permanent. But it does mean that relaxation might feel awkward, unfamiliar, or even uncomfortable at first. Your body needs to relearn something it once knew how to do.

4. Busyness Has Become Your Identity

For many women, productivity is tied to worth. You've been praised for doing, achieving, managing, handling it all. Slowing down doesn't just feel unproductive — it feels like losing part of who you are.⁵

When busyness is identity, rest becomes an existential threat. Who are you if you're not the one who holds everything together? What's your value if you're not producing?

These beliefs run deep, often below conscious awareness. They keep you moving even when your body is begging you to stop.

5. Stillness Brings Up What You've Been Avoiding

Sometimes the inability to relax isn't about nervous system dysregulation — it's about what surfaces when you slow down.

Grief you haven't processed. Anxiety you've been outrunning. Truths you haven't wanted to face. Questions you've been too busy to ask.

Busyness is an effective avoidance strategy.⁶ As long as you're doing, you don't have to feel. Relaxation threatens that — it creates space for the avoided material to surface.

No wonder your body resists it.

6. Your Environment Isn't Actually Safe

Sometimes the inability to relax is accurate information. If you're in a genuinely stressful situation — a toxic relationship, an overwhelming job, financial insecurity, caregiving demands — your nervous system isn't wrong to stay alert.

Relaxation requires safety. Not just the absence of immediate threat, but a felt sense that you can let your guard down. If that doesn't exist in your life, your body knows.

What Happens When You Can't Rest

The inability to relax isn't just uncomfortable — it has real consequences:

Burnout

Running without rest leads to eventual collapse. Your body will force the rest your mind won't take — often through illness, injury, or breakdown.⁷

Sleep problems

If your system can't downshift during the day, it won't downshift at night either. Insomnia, fragmented sleep, and waking exhausted are common.

Chronic tension

Muscles that never release become chronically tight. Hello, locked jaw, frozen shoulders, aching back.

Emotional dysregulation

Without adequate rest, your nervous system loses resilience. Small things feel overwhelming. Emotional reactions become bigger.

Health issues

Chronic stress activation is linked to cardiovascular problems, immune dysfunction, digestive issues, and more.⁸

Diminished enjoyment

Life becomes a series of tasks to complete rather than experiences to savour. Joy gets crowded out by productivity.

Why Traditional "Relaxation" Often Doesn't Work

Here's the frustrating part: the things you're told to do to relax often don't work when your nervous system is dysregulated.

Meditation can increase anxiety if your system interprets stillness as threat.

Baths and massages might feel nice momentarily but don't address the underlying activation.

Vacations often involve more stress (planning, travel, re-entry) than rest — and you bring your nervous system with you anyway.

"Just relax" is useless advice when your body doesn't know how.

These approaches assume a baseline level of nervous system regulation that you might not have. They're the cherry on top — not the foundation.

What Actually Helps

If you can't relax, you don't need more willpower. You need to work with your nervous system, not against it. Here's what actually helps:

1. Create Safety First

Your nervous system needs to perceive safety before it will allow rest. This means:

Reducing environmental chaos and overstimulation
Building relationships where you feel genuinely safe
Creating physical environments that feel soothing
Addressing real stressors where possible (not just managing your response to them)

You can't trick your body into feeling safe. You have to actually create conditions of safety.⁹

2. Start With Active Rest

If stillness feels threatening, don't start there. Start with active rest — activities that are restorative but not completely still:

Gentle walking in nature
Slow stretching or restorative yoga
Gardening or other puttering
Colouring, crafting, or other low-stakes creative activities

These give your nervous system something to do while gradually teaching it that slowing down is okay.

3. Practice Nervous System Regulation

Specific practices can help shift your nervous system from sympathetic to parasympathetic:

Extended exhale breathing: Inhale for 4 counts, exhale for 6-8. The extended exhale activates the vagus nerve and parasympathetic response.¹⁰

Orienting: Slowly look around the room, naming what you see. This signals safety to your nervous system.

Cold water on face: Brief cold water exposure (like splashing your face) activates the dive reflex and slows heart rate.

Humming or singing: Vibration in the throat activates the vagus nerve.

Gentle rocking or swaying: Rhythmic movement soothes the nervous system (this is why we rock babies).

4. Build Capacity Gradually

You probably can't go from 100 to 0 immediately. Instead, practice moving from 100 to 90. Then 90 to 80. Build your capacity for rest incrementally.

Start with just 5 minutes of intentional downtime. Notice what comes up. Gradually extend as your system learns that rest is safe.

5. Address the Beliefs

If rest feels dangerous or worthless, examine why. What beliefs are you carrying about productivity, worth, and value? Where did they come from? Are they actually true?

Sometimes cognitive work — journaling, therapy, reflection — needs to accompany somatic work. The body and mind are connected.

6. Get Curious About What Surfaces

If stillness brings up difficult emotions, that's information. Rather than avoiding through busyness, can you get curious? What wants attention? What's been waiting for space?

You don't have to process everything at once. But acknowledging what's there is different from running from it.

7. Work With a Professional

If your nervous system is significantly dysregulated — especially if trauma is part of your history — working with a somatic therapist or trauma-informed practitioner can provide the support needed to safely rebuild your capacity for rest.

The Deeper Invitation

Learning to relax isn't just about stress management. It's about reclaiming your birthright.

Rest isn't a luxury. It's a biological necessity. Your body is designed to move between effort and rest, activity and recovery. The inability to relax isn't a personal failing — it's a sign that something in your system needs attention.

When you learn to rest — really rest, not just collapse from exhaustion — something shifts. You become more resilient. More present. More you.

The world tells you that your value lies in constant doing. Your body knows differently. It knows that rest is where repair happens. Where integration happens. Where the deepest kind of growth happens.

You weren't built to run forever. You were built for rhythm.

What You Can Do Next

Ready to befriend rest? Start here:

Notice your resistance: Next time you try to relax, pay attention to what happens in your body. What sensations arise? What thoughts? Get curious rather than frustrated.
Try one regulation technique: Pick one practice from above (extended exhale, orienting, humming) and try it daily for a week.
Start tiny: Instead of trying to relax for an hour, try for 5 minutes. Build from there.
Examine your beliefs: Journal about what rest means to you. What were you taught about relaxation? What would change if you truly allowed yourself to rest?

Ready to Learn to Rest?

At Somatic Body, I work with women whose nervous systems have forgotten how to rest — and guide them back into the rhythm their bodies crave.

Through my SomaCycle™️ Method and 4-Body Healing System, we work directly with your nervous system, building capacity for rest and teaching your body that it's safe to soften.

You don't have to earn rest. You deserve it simply because you exist.

Learn more about working with me → Book An Embodiment Session

Written by Shannon Harrison — Somatic & Energetic Integration Specialist, foundress of Somatic Body™️

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